The truth is that I was not really that motivated to participate in the PDG, especially as I had already completed it twice. Duncan had originally proposed the idea of competing in the event with Frank Persyn (who had not completed the race on his first attempt due to a runaway ski) and targeting a fast time. I generally find it hard to say no to long, arduous and painful activities and the idea of a fast time (for me this means something ideally starting with 8 hours or possibly 9 – to put this in context, the course record is 5 hours 35 minutes) was sufficient to persuade me to sign-up. Deep down, however, I knew that Duncan’s work and domestic commitments were such that he would probably not be able to find the hours to train to deliver this sort of pace – this was indeed the case.
After achieving my goal in the MDS and the inevitable post event blues, the PDG was just annoying, especially as it was so late in the season and the snow conditions so poor. Waking the day before the event with a tight chest and suspecting the early stages of bronchitis as both Catie, Ellen and probably Amelie all currently have it did not help either. However, as a teammate I knew I owed it to Frank and Duncan to arrive at the start line motivated and committed (there was no doubt I had done the hours and had the fitness). I found the inspiration I needed in formulating a 12-hour race plan which I thought, with good pacing, fast transitions and experience was doable despite not everyone being in top form – everyone signed up.
I toed the line excited, motivated, committed and ready to race, ready to compete. The lack of snow meant the race began with 8 to 10 km of running. My heart rate was high, my breathing laboured and my chest a little tight but I put this mainly down to not having trained at altitude recently. Fortunately, our target pace was sufficiently low that I was not taxed aerobically but as the early kilometres ticked down, we quickly fell behind our target pace. I remained committed as I thought we might be able to pick up the pace once we started skinning as I could tow others to keep the pace high.
Once we finally encountered some snow, we quickly realised that conditions were diabolical. Icy and slippery, it was all I could do to not lose traction, let alone tow anybody effectively. The slow pace was such that I was not working hard enough to keep warm and the cold added to the challenges. We finally reached the summit of Tete Blanche, the first major climb – I was freezing, my water bottle had frozen up and I was dehydrated and the cold had left me slightly nauseous so I had not eaten much during the first five hours and more.
We hoped the ski down would provide some relief from the terrible conditions. Skiing roped up, in the dark is hard enough but when combined with deep breakable crust on top of powder the experience is deeply unpleasant, especially as I am not a brilliant skier by Duncan’s standards. However, we made it down and then began climbing again and thankfully conditions were a little better before commencing another descent to Arolla where Duncan’s partner Maria was waiting for us with supplies. The descent was a little bit like skiing down the cresta bobsleigh run at night – it was another horrendous experience and I even saw sparks fly as my skis hit hard-to-see rocks.
Whilst we were waiting to re-group at one stage, Duncan told me, “he was done,” and was going to stop in Arolla. To my shame, I have never read the rules and certainly nothing related to abandoning races as the three letters DNF – Did Not Finish – do not normally feature in my lexicon. However, I was vaguely aware that provided a patrol (three people) reaches Arolla, two members of the patrol can continue but they do not receive a timing or ranking. This put me in a very difficult position as I now believed that Franks completion of the PDG rested on my continuation in the race.
Unfortunately, the moment Duncan said he was stopping, suddenly my chest felt really tight, like it was being squeezed in a vice and it was painful to breath deeply. My toes, especially the three black toenails still not healed from the MDS, also suddenly began to really burn and walking down the two and half kilometres across the final rocky path to Arolla became unbearable. Duncan’s decision meant that my mind’s commitment to finishing the race had crumbled.
They always say that success in ultra-endurance events is almost entirely down to mindset. The moment my mindset shifted and it entertained the possibility of abandoning, the pain and suffering were no longer supressed and no longer bearable. My mind was no longer overruling my body. The fact is, I did not want the finish badly enough. Heavens, I have demonstrated I can suffer and endure – walking backwards downhill for kms to finish the Val D’Ran stopping every 200m to either puke or s*@t shows I can suffer.
But, the thing is, Frank wanted it really badly and I let him down. We had debated what to do in Arolla – Frank was determined to finish and planned to continue alone. This takes incredible determination and courage, especially after being abandoned by your teammates. I was at the point of saying “f*#*k it, I will come with you” when Duncan returned with the news obtained from a soldier that Frank could indeed continue alone. If Frank had applied even the tiniest bit of emotional pressure, I would have been back on it – but he is far too honourable and decent to do such a thing. However, the news that he could on alone without me was enough for my mind to crumble completely.
Frank did continue and went through two check-points before they finally spotted he was alone and ended the race for him and they flew him off the mountain by helicopter. I screwed up, I should have at least left Arolla with him (even if we were to subsequently abandon or not make the cut-offs) and I am profoundly disappointed in myself and that I let him down. I always seek to demonstrate grit, determination and perseverance and never giving up to my children. I failed them today as well as myself, it will be harder to encourage them then next time they falter.
I do these things to challenge myself and to learn and I actually learnt more from this failure than I have from my recent successes. I learnt how important mindset is and how commitment to a goal is a precursor for success. I now, more than ever, appreciate the importance of communication within a team – once the 12 hour goal was no longer viable, we should have discussed as a team what our revised objective was and hopefully we would have all committed to simply completing and getting Frank across the finishing line. The shame I feel for not having been a better teammate will stay with me for a long time – I will remember how I feel now ,the next time I falter in my commitment to my teammates. If Frank wants to attempt the PDG and will have me, I will do whatever it takes to get him across that finish line!
Expeditions 